Anxiety, A History

Social anxiety is something that has genuinely affected me my entire life. I don't know that it could be diagnosed as real social anxiety, but I know that there is something there that makes me a little more different than other people. It's that fear that I feel even for just a moment before I go out. The awkwardness that I feel when I'm alone in a store, as if everyone around me is watching, even when rationally, I know they aren't.

I've always been like this. Except as a kid I didn't know what it was. I was called quiet by all of my teachers and adults who knew me. As I got older, the quietness hindered me from making any friends in high school. I didn't understand how making friends worked. Everyone seemed to know each other, and every one clearly knew who I was, so why didn't anyone talk to me? I could have spoken to them, but that's when the social anxiety kicked in. I couldn't understand why if I didn't initiate a conversation, no one would initiate one with me. I actually still really don't understand this.

So I spent my entire four years in high school without a friend. Imagine what it's like to go to the same place every single year and never speak to a soul. It's just as terrible as it sounds. I was so unnoticed that I didn't even win the "most shy" award.

I used to be embarrassed about high school. I'd shy away from telling people how terrible it was back then. I was embarrassed by not having any friends. I don't feel that way anymore. I guess that's one step in the right direction. I've been reading this website for people who are socially inept, and it's been pretty expiring. I think I would like to collect more blogs from other people who have similar experiences to me.

A Social Anxiety Documentary

I found this video while browsing through Youtube. I LOVE it. It really resonated with me. It's so great when you can find things like this on the internet. I could have sure used Youtube back when I was a teenager.

Clogged

I've never been good at introducing myself. That's one of my problems. Not only can I not introduce myself in a blog, but I can't introduce myself to other people in the real world either.

That's because I have anxiety problems. But don't we all these days? I think mine might be just a wee bit on the worse side. It's a daily struggle for me. Once I get to talking, it's not so bad. It's all the thoughts that come beforehand that keep me from wanting to do it.

I have what I like to call cloggy brain syndrome. When I get anxious or nervous about something, I begin to lose the ability to think clearly. My mind becomes so cluttered with worry and useless thoughts that I can't figure out how to navigate myself through a conversation.

Sure I could ask a question and kick start a conversation, but it's kind of hard to do something like that when you can't see past the wreckage of your brain. It's kind of a pain in the butt.

So that's me. Worrying since 1988. Maybe one day, I'll get better. For now. I'll try to put the clutter of my brain here, that way I can leave room for important and meaningful thoughts.